Thursday, July 25, 2013

12-15 Horrible Horror Movies Not Yet Made That Tragically Probably Will Be Even Though Some Already Have


An experiment in writing in the popular cracked.com manner:


'Horrible horror' is not quite a tautology. A tautology would be 'horrible Hollywood' or 'carnivorous shark' or 'whirling vortex.' How about a horrible Hollywood horror movie about a carnivorous shark in a whirling vortex? That would be Sharknado.





"The name of the film is... Sharknado," said the Hollywood pitchman. 

“This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read… I’M IN!” said Thunder Levin, the writer of Sharknado's screenplay.

Sharknado is a portmanteau ( shark & -nado ). Sample portmanteaus: The Beatles! Combines 'Beat' with 'Beetles'. See also: gaydar, wigger, Brangelina.

Sharknado means: “There’s motherfucking sharks on this motherfucking tornado." Always has, always will; we just didn't know it until it became a movie or whatever Sharknado is. 

Reliable sources tell us that a naked man was tortured to come up with a hot film title for a project about which he only knew it had to be "sharp, sexy, take no prisoners; corp wants tornadoes because now the studio can CGI it for pennies on the FX dollar and nobody's done tornadoes in awhile."

Enduring vile torture, he Tourette'sically sputtered tornado-themed movie titles like foam dribbling from a leaky Slurpee machine. (The term for this is 'limbaugh'. Or will be when I'm through on urbandictionary.) The images you are about to see are real. Only the names have been changed to speculate if sufficient profit can be squeezed from their hackneyed veins. While no sharks were injured (we hope) in the filming of Sharknado, the same can't be said for its creative staff:


 The memo is shared.

The following are transcripts from that session provided by wikileaksnado:

1) 
Barknado? No.


But it would make a great amusement park doggie ride.

2) Porknado? Uh-uh.


No pigs were harmed in the photoshopping of this image.




3)  Fartnado? I wish. That would be an awesome movie.

Behold, for the Finger is Pulled, and naught can restrain thine fate.



4) Quarknado? Quantum wormhole tornadoes:

The Rapture is going to be awesome.  (Supercell photo be Sean Heavey for National Geographic )
5)   Natonado?
"It shoots so many bullets you won't be able to see what you're shooting at! For only $5 a second! Get yours today!"


A torquenado as experienced on the  Star Trek holodeck in the future movie, Star Trek Kids.

7) Worknado? Too close to home. People want to escape. That’s one hellish concept, though:


(Remember The Human Centipede? The sequel will
be Megapedia!)



8) Larknado? Massive starling flocks look like a bird-storm already. But larks aren’t sexy or scary...





(Actually, starling flocks are sexy and scary. You can see the Devil's face in them sometimes.)






'Actually, nark is spelled 'narc'. I know: I did drugs in the 60s.'

12) Thornado? A thundering maelstrom of murthafreuchen hammer gods? 

12) Shitnado?!? A whirling vortex of bad Hollywood plot ideas? (Viewer discretion advice: if you see an image here, you're hallucinating. Or watching TV.)


‘nado, nado, nado… hmm…

It went on like that for far too long, but that's the entertainment industry. Personally, we think a whirling vortex of in-your-face drag queens  flickering like Schrödinger's cat on a hot aluminum roof would be ultimately as terrifying as a sharknado, and much funnier. 



These, alas, are not homicidally frenzied drag queens, only Sufi mystics spinning themselves into a quarknado.

The One True Title eventually dawns on the man being hazed by sorority girls in nerdy glasses wielding shark puppets talking in cheap Mafia accents.  'Sharknado!’ he screams, shrieking it like some kind of supernatural storm warning. 'Sharknado! Sharknado!'


Our sentiments exactly.


Alive and well-paid per his contract, the no-longer-tortured film title genius allegedly told Thunder Levin, as they flew to LA to pitch the script to some studio execs in sharkskin suits, the sharp, sexy kind that take no prisoners, "If it was a snake it would have bit me."








2 comments:

Ramona said...

This is gorgeous!

Kenmeer livermaile said...

Thanx, Ramona. I must learn to revisit and repopulate this old haunt with my ghostly old self.

What we have here is me wondering if I might ever want to write for Cracked.