Friday, November 7, 2008

a clean elephant is a good elephant

More than anything, I think this graph illustrates the inherently radical erratic nature of post-Nixon Republicanism, which battles between greedy schmucks pretending to be conservative (HA!) and crazy Sky God worshipers finding ever new ways to sneak around the church/state divide.

It shows that Democrats are, comparatively, inherently more conservative since they steadily adhere to their core values and promote them with a donkey's plodding diligence (and occasional but extremely well-aimed kick) while the Republicans have become inherently politically profligate, consuming enormous amounts of forest foliage and hay but achieving little more than tramping big swaths through an increasingly desiccate forest-become-savanna and leaving huge piles of shit in the barn for some janitor to clean up.

As a young man, it was explained to me by a really hip, just-returned Nam vet, Gary Rubow, that the worst job in the world, in his opinion, was the guy who prepped the elephants for the circus parade. The guy, he said, put on huge rubber glove forearm waders, reached into a pachyderm's rectum, and preemptively (this decade's new all-purpose word) stimulated bowel movement so there wouldn't be so many giant piles on Main Street.

In terms of presidential, um, analogies, this job would seem to have last fallen to one James Earl Carter, 39th president of the United States. If true, this perhaps partially explains why the 80s, bad as they were, were at least tolerable, while the Oughts were fully abominable: Carter did his job with the proper tools while Clinton, as always, grossly exaggerated the actual power and size of his favorite agent of action, and just gave the elephant a good ass-fucking that made it happily constipated.

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